so there's this boy

 Dear Reader,

  There's a boy. And I like him. A tale as old as time, and one that could go one of two directions: I screw my courage to the sticking place and tell him how I feel; or I do as I tend to, wait it out until I no longer harbor any sort of romantic inclinations towards him. Both options are terrifying, though for very different reasons. The former, most obviously, because vulnerability is and has been and always will be terrifying, because being known is, indeed, a mortifying ordeal. Granted, this is not the most vulnerable thing one can attempt and truly it is not such a big thing as it can often feel; but for me, who has never attempted to make my romantic feelings known to their subject while the feelings are still present, it is not such a small thing, either. But the latter outcome is undesirable for other reasons; namely, that I have had a lapse of courage, that I refused to step out into the unknown and see what might come of it. I don't want to be that sort of person, who lives in half shadows and doesn't seize what opportunities might come her way. I want to be the sort of person who is willing to submit to the previously mentioned mortifying ordeal of being known, who has a community and close relationships, up to and including a long-term romantic relationship with someone I choose to spend the rest of my life with. 

  So you see, Dear Reader, that this really isn't about the boy himself. Rather, it is about me, who I wish to become, through the catalyst of my feelings. Well, catalyst isn't really the right word. A catalyst is something that initiates a process of change that it does not experience itself. My feelings, and their subject, are probably going to experience change in this process, whether they deepen in myself and in him, or they change direction in favor of friendship only. I truly believe I can be happy in either outcome, being only his friend or something  more. A rejection of a romantic relationship will likely hurt in some capacity, but not as much as the loss of his friendship, and I have been assured by other friends that he likely won't avoid friendship with me even if he does reject the pursuit of something more. 

  My next hurdle is timing. Next month I will be in Europe, and I am unlikely to see him much before then. So I suppose it will have to be after that. Waiting will be hard, added to which we do not communicate much when we do not see each other; so I suppose I will have to accept it as it will "build character," in the words of Calvin's dad (do yourself a favor and read Calvin and Hobbes if you have been so unfortunate to not have read them growing up). I have other things to fill my time, things I enjoy and so I will not be pining away my days after some boy. After all, feminism didn't happen so that I could go right back to square one and only experience life as it relates to the closest man in my life. I am enough in and of myself and, while I hope to add a richness to my life through a close relationship with this man, I do not require it to experience happiness. 

  I suppose that is all for now, Dear Reader. Enjoy the time you have and those you share it with.

  As always,

  Clara